So many things on my mind that I want to write down, but when I sit down to write it’s like I don’t know what or how. It reminds me of how I started my very first post of this daily thousand-word series. Although some days I feel more clarity than others, most times I just try to wing it. I used to feel bad about it, now not so much. Creativity doesn’t always have to involve too much planning, sometimes none is necessary, though experience and practice are probably always necessary no matter what. Freestyle rapping is an example of creativity on the spot, although it’s unfortunate that sometimes it’s filled with nonsense, since artists don’t have time to think of intelligent lyrics, they’re simply trying to rhyme. So, as I write I try to keep my ignorance to the lowest level possible, I try to speak the truth but not to be offensive, yet to speak the truth nonetheless. It’s simply necessary, and it’s what inspires me to write in the first place. I used to be very extroverted, having a lot of friends and partying often, but now I don’t go out or drink, I mostly stay home with my wife, and I don’t live nearly as crazy as I used to. Let’s say I do a lot more thinking these days, a lot less spending, and a lot less dumb shit. My childhood and early teen years were filled with trouble, mostly caused by my own stupidity and wrong attitude towards life. I can’t say I’m a completely new man, but so far I’ve changed a lot over the past few years, mostly for the better. I’ve also quit smoking cigarettes, I just can’t stand the thought of screwing up my health so badly. Some would say it’s stupid to quit smoking one thing and continue with another, but I do still blaze, probably about as often or even more than I did before, since now I live on my own, with my wife, not with my parents, and I can just keep my bong. It’s definitely convenient, the only downside is I miss all the going out to smoke joints in the fresh air. So, with a few changes to my overall health and some for my mental health, I go on, day by day, doing the work of self-improvement, yet in the process, every second, of constantly remembering that, although the self is being strengthened, being improved, there is a dimension beyond the self which it is also essential to strengthen, which is the dimension of the Self, of the Spirit. We must live life to the fullest, yet we mustn’t become attached to anything in it, we shouldn’t embrace the things of this world as the greatest treasures, otherwise when we lose them, and we will, we will not know who or what we are. Everything which we once were has been taken from us, now where are we to be found. Where or what is the self? When I write spontaneously, these thoughts on spirituality are often what come to my mind, what surface up from my subconscious, so I guess it’s a good sign about where my mind is at, since it’s what I mostly contemplate these days. I know it’s not good to overthink, and that the final goal is to completely transcend all thought as well as emotion or feeling, but with so much interesting knowledge, with so many different things to learn, to analyze, how can I not read, how can I not learn, how can I help myself from at least attempting to familiarize myself as well as I can with the greatest wisdom we can attain in this life, in this world? How can I shy away from following the mysteries, from trying to find meaning in every second, in every day. Time and life is all we all have, and it strikes me as off how little we like to think or talk together about what life means, what the world is for and why we exist here. I think we avoid the subject since we don’t like to feel small, like we don’t know something as simple as the meaning of our own existence. We all know we don’t know, so we avoid admitting the fact to each other, and instead we all just follow some religion or philosophical school, we learn it as best as possible, and we pretend that we know. We tell people that we know what life means, that we know who or what God is and exactly what he wants for us. We begin to believe our delusion, since we can never know the truth in its entirety. Don’t assume I’m being pessimistic, it’s just a fact. It’s a fact because the truth is beyond our human understanding. Our brain is not wired to comprehend why it exists, there are dimensions beyond time and space that defy everything we know, every shred of understanding or knowledge or wisdom we could even fathom to use in order to try to understand such experiences, if we could have access to them. The closest I can think of this is the psychedelic experience, and most who have used psychedelics would agree that the experiences they’ve had cannot be described by words. These are simple substances, yet still mysteries, but what about the mysteries of angels, of demons, of God and the Devil? What about life on other planets, about life possibly being nothing but a simulation? What about what happens when we die? These are all mysteries, but there are even greater mysteries than these, ones we might even be able to solve, or maybe not fully, but we might learn a thing or two, or the most important thing we could ever learn, in the process of attempting to solve them. I’m talking about the mysteries of who we are and what our individual purposes are, what my individual purpose is as well as yours. These things are worth finding out, and if you don’t think we have any purpose, if you think your existence is random and meaningless, then why don’t you attempt to find out, to sincerely try the best you can to figure out if you’re right or wrong, if you do have any meaning or not. Search wherever you can, in books and most importantly from first-hand experience. Live life with discernment, and you will see so much meaning before your eyes which you have previously chosen to ignore, it will seem like a new life you cannot believe,
To be continued tomorrow, on Day 53.
~ Rebel Spirit