Still feeling sick. I think I really gotta get to the hospital soon to be honest, since every day I seem to feel the same thing. The strange thing is that, all day today I felt no symptoms. I felt great a lot of the time, I was finally able to help customers out with a good attitude over the phone. The past few days I’d had to disconnect myself since I felt no drive to speak with the customers, and also the air conditioner was way too cold for me to endure. I just went and sat outside and listened to a few songs before a mild headache started. Today everything was fine during the morning, and even while I was at work. When I got home everything was alright also, then I started feeling a bit cold, even though only the fan is on. I undoubtedly have a fever now, although it isn’t as severe as other days. This weak feeling makes my eyes burn every once in a while, and I really thought that today would be the day when I’d fail my goal of writing a thousand words a day. I dropped down on my bed for a while with Maria by my side, both comfortable and happy to be home from work. As we talked about a lot of things, that’s when my fever began to start. We ate, and read a Bible chapter of Ezra, the book we’re currently on. The only goals left to do are my writing and my twenty-minute meditation. I usually meditate in the mornings since Maria goes in to work before me, although we come home at the same time. Today I didn’t meditate at that time since i was completely absorbed by my reading of Huxley’s ‘The Perennial Philosophy.’ I also read today’s sutra on mindfulness of breathing. So most of my morning consisted of reading. I took out the trash as well, since the garbage truck comes by the house today. It comes by three days of the week, Monday, Wednesday and Friday, so we gotta remember to take out the trash on each of those days so it doesn’t accumulate. I ate some oatmeal in the morning also, which I prepared with honey, cold water and a bit of cinnamon. I’ve been trying to eat healthier to see if I can catch up on some of the nutrients and vitamins I may be missing, maybe that’s the reason for this illness I’ve been experiencing. What really motivated me to write right now, to not lose the goal no matter how I may be feeling, was something which I mentioned during the conversation I just had in bed with Maria. I mentioned that, if I continue writing every single day, when I’m older, even elderly, I will be able to look back on my thoughts during different stages of my development, and I will be able to learn from my past ideas and thoughts, to change what is necessary, and to remind myself of the useful things I’ve jotted down throughout the years. So, instead of allowing my fever to hold me back from continuing my goal which I’ve worked so diligently on for thirty plus days now, I decided to just write about it. The reason I wasn’t feeling like writing is because, with this illness and this feeling of weakness, I thought I couldn’t use my brain to come up with anything worth writing. I didn’t let resistance beat me though, and I’m proud of myself for it, as well as of my beautiful wife who motivated me with her understanding and caring conversation. If nothing deep comes from tonight’s piece then I apologize, since all you’ll get to read is some of my confusion about this sickness which has taken over me recently, which I have no clue what it is. I haven’t gone to the doctor since I’m scared of some bad news, although I don’t have much reason to believe that anything is seriously wrong with me. It’s mostly just fear with no reality behind it, and so Maria has been urging me to go to the doctor so I can at least find out the cause of my almost daily fevers. I think the time is coming, I’ll have to put my fear aside in order to face the truth of the matter. Since I thought it might be due to the fact that I’ve been eating less than I used to over the last year or so, I thought I could get better by simply eating more and healthier, but in all honesty it’s better to be sure of the problem. I’m feeling better now that I’m writing, and also I feel I’m more at peace with the fact that my writing won’t always be super profound and inspirational. I feel like I can finally accept that sometimes we just write for the sake of writing, and that there’s nothing wrong with that. To anyone who’s feeling any symptoms of illness, please do not ignore them! Go seek a professional who knows what’s going on. It might be too late later if you don’t realize it now. Hopefully this isn’t my case, I pray to God that I’m able to remain healthy and continue to enjoy life with my amazing wife. Also, I’ve been trying to remain grounded as much as possible in God, in the holiness within me, which is within us all, the Spirit which is beyond all duality, beyond all pleasure and pain, and which cannot be broken by any illness. To remain connected with this power is easier said than done, yet it is within our grasp, all of us humans can find this within us, if we are serious about it and are willing to put our attachments and aversions aside, and to be thankful and trust the process of life. Everything is part of life, including suffering and death, and if we can’t cultivate the right attitude regarding these facts of life, we are bound to always suffer much, much more than we need to. So I’m hoping for the best, but I’m also working on my mentality and strength of spirit so I can be ready for whatever news I receive.
To be continued tomorrow, on Day 34.
~ Rebel Spirit